Circus Performer Juggles Chainsaws, Two Jobs To Put Kid Through Clown College

Albany NY – The devistating ripples of the recession are being felt everywhere and hitting everyone. Even the jobs that seemed most secure, like acrobats and fire breathers, are being impacted by the economic downturn.

Tom Friedland, a juggler in New York’s traveling circus, is just one of many to feel the crunch.

“We all have to make sacrifices. I’m just sorry for my kid who has to inherit this mess. I’ve gotten a job as a janitor at night so that my child can get a decent clown education.”

The once rock steady jobs in the American circus industry are slowly disappearing reports John Verlane, a senior analyst at the 3rd Ring Enterprises.

“We have studied the market over and over and it looks like the Circus downsizing is going to get worse before it gets better. It’s a rough time for clowns out there and it is really not a laughing matter.”

Bindle Industry Booms Amid Financial Meltdown

ATALANTA, GA – The ripple effects of the financial crisis gripping America have yet to hit the thriving bindle industry which has reported increased sales and record profit margins. Omaha Bindle, whose national headquarters just relocated to Atlanta Georgia have been reaping the windfall of the economic woes facing many Americans.

“Really, this is the true recession proof industry,” said Omaha Bindle President, Les Druthers, “a high quality bindle will never go out of style.”

It is reported that the bindle, once reserved for only the most discriminating hobo, is now a commodity in high demand and that 4 out of 5 transients prefer a bindle to a torn Jansport backpack. Industry experts point to the bindle’s track record as the reason for its success. The tried and true handkerchief and stick method is given most of the credit by bindle designers nation wide.

A recent poll showed that vagrants and the recently evicted opt for the bindle because of it’s charm and ability to carry many cans of beans.

“I love the bindle. It’s so convenient for a mother of three who is always on the go,” said Martha Dooley, “I never leave my refrigerator box without it.”

Editor Buried in School Work Posts Satirical Article to Assuage Guilt

Dear Readers,

Thank you for checking to make sure I’m still alive and well. I assure that new content is on the way. Being a one man operation, The Skullduggeries is often subject to ebbs and flows of content that are dictated by my oppressive school schedule. Stay tuned for articles that cover relevant topics such as Coma Patients, Baby Seals, Coldplay, Circus Performers, Oprah, and Bindles!

I love you all.

~Andrew Rosas

Editor in Chief

Man’s Will Stipulates His Facebook Status Be Updated To “Is Dead”

SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA - Taylor Breedlow, 28, died Tuesday after loosing a long battle with gravity during a skydiving trip. The accident was attributed to Breedlow’s main shoot and reserve shoot which both failed to open. He was pronounced dead on the concrete.

Friends and family have been asked to write their farewells on Breedlow’s Wall and or Graffiti. A Facebook group has even been created by a longtime friend of Breedlow, John Warrick, where those who knew him best can share epithets and bid their virtual friend goodbye. The group is open and anyone can join.

Several of Breedlow’s closest friends have posted on the group’s wall things such as “RIP” and “Miss you bud.” A video of the funeral service will also be posted on the group’s page as well as among Breedlow’s personal posted items. Guests are invited to check the Youtube link if the video won’t load for whatever reason.

The family is asking that all “pokes” and “super-pokes” be reserved for special friends and relatives and that although they are sure Taylor is sorry you lost your phone, he can no longer give you his “digits.”

Obama Picks ‘The Dark Knight’ as Running Mate

Washington D.C. - Sen. Barack Obama, in what analysts are calling a “smart move”,  has chosen the new film The Dark Knight as his running mate in the 2008 Elections. Obama made this decision after the films opening weekend where it sold out theaters across the country.

“The film is riding a wave of hype that Obama recognizes as a crucial necessity if he is to reach certain demographics,” said Political Analyst Tom Boccio, “Everyone seems to love this film, even people who haven’t seen it. You can’t buy that kind of credibility.”

Film expert John Malcolm, commented on this selection by Obama saying, “People don’t even seems to care if the film is actually good or not which is impressive. Obama has certainly hitched his wagon to the right star.”

“I think Obama is capitalizing on the American people forgetting what a great film actually is. In this sense he seems to understand the public and has responded to what they want. This shows that he is in touch,” said Gill Delaney, columnist and political commentator.

The film itself has broken all kinds of records and is predicted to break the opening weekend gross of Spider-Man 3 of $151 Million. The Democratic party has already given this vice-presidential candidate ”two thumbs up.” and “four stars.”

Nancy Pelosi of the DNC said, “This is the most fun you’ll have with a vice presidential candidate this year.”

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid calls The Dark Knight, “A triumph! This is the must-see candidate of the summer! You’ll be on the edge of your seat!”

Madonna Loses Custody of British Accent in Divorce

LONDON, ENGLAND – It is reported that pop icon Madonna will lose the custody of her british Accent once the her divorce from Guy Ritchie is finalized. Madonna, who was seen out and about London this week with her Accent, is “enjoying the time they have left” according to her publicist.

Madonna’s Accent was born on December 22, 2000 when she and her husband Guy Ritchie were married. Since that time her Accent has waxed and waned but has never left her side. “The two used to be inseparable, but now it looks like they were never really meant to be together,” said a close friend of the Accent.

It’s been reported that the Accent has had many offers for adoption in the past few weeks but remains in the care of Madonna at this time. The Accent could not be reached for comment but according to its publicist, “the Accent has been ready for this for some time.”

Gwyneth Paltrow, an american born actress, has also been seen in London watching the Accent with her husband Chris Martin.

“We are happy to take care of the Accent, it’s what friends do. I’ve got an Accent of my own an it’s hard sometimes with work and life in general to be with it all the time,” said Paltrow.

Mason’s Death Hits Family Like A Ton Of Bricks

ROANOKE, VIRGINIA - Fred Chase, 41, died Wednesday after complications involving large stones smashing his body. Chase was checked into St. Michael’s Hospital where doctors acted quickly but were unable to save him.

“We did all we could, but Chase was between a rock and a hard place,” said doctor Albert Russo.

The accident was allegedly caused by Luke Dennison, one of Chase’s fellow workers, failing to secure some stones that were being used to construct an addition to the R. J. Prince Public Library.

“I swear I secured the stones like I was supposed to,” said Dennison, “I didn’t do it on purpose. I never had a chip on my shoulder for Chase.”

Fellow masons described Dennison as “all thumbs,” and ” as blind as a bat.” George Newly, the site’s forman said, “I’m at my wit’s end with Dennison. If he’s not careful he’s going to get a taste of his own medicine one of these days. We have been under the gun to get this job finished on time which was really important to Fred, we are all in the same boat here.”

“Accidents like these are a dime a dozen but I never thought it would happen to Fred. I warned him not to work with Luke Dennison from day one. I always thought he was a bad apple but all the workers had their backs against the wall and had to burn the midnight oil to get the job completed. I suspect they may have bitten off more than they could chew,” said Amanda Chase, Fred’s wife, ” I should probably bite my tongue but I sure hope Luke doesn’t just get a slap on the wrist, that would really be the icing on the cake.”

Recession Hits Monocle Polish Industry

BALTIMORE, MARYLAND – The recent economic slump has affected every level of commerce and business in America. Due to rising fuel prices and the weakening of the dollar, once thriving businesses like Glistentine Monocle Polish have had to cut back on resources and labor to adjust to the steep downturn in demand.

“Glistentine is still a wonderful product and we will be here to offer quality polish at affordable prices to moguls and magnates alike,” said Andrew Raub, C.E.O. of Glistentine, “We don’t foresee this economic dip cutting into production in the long term.” 

It is reported that three out of four plutocrats have reduced the number of times a day they polish and a recent poll shows that the seven of the wealthiest Robber Barons in the Union have changed their polishing habits.

“I dare say if the blue chips don’t take to the upswing I’ll have to go and sell off my few shares of Camphorated Oils and U.S. Salt,” said Philadelphia tycoon G. R. Glawson.

Some tycoons have taken to even more drastic measures such as breathing on their monocles and then gently rubbing them on a vest or smoking jacket sleeve. Others, who want to remain unidentified, report stooping as low as to not polish their monocles at all.

The average mogul’s expenditures on polish have a trickle down effect that in turn hurts other smaller businesses. Dooley’s Cane Wax and Lusterol Vest Chain Cleaner are just a few businesses that have been hurt by the current state of the economy.

Economic analyst Clara Perroni said, “We are in dire straights. The demand for even the basic magnate necessities is simply not there and other industries are going to feel the pinch very soon.”

Mario Lopez To Host “Mario Lopez: Host” On Fox

LOS ANGELES, CA – The always available Mario Lopez is being honored this week on the Fox network with a show commemorating all the shows he has hosted in the past. The actor has provided countless hours of TV programing over his career all with an unwavering smile and inexplicable enthusiasm.

“It’s time we gave something back to the host that has given us so much,” said the Show’s host, Mario Lopez.

A spokesperson for the Fox Network said, “I mean you can’t turn on the TV without seeing him, we just want to make sure that television tradition continues for a least another hour.”

The show is said to contain clips from all the shows Lopez has hosted over his career and will then culminate in a dance contest to decide which kid has the right stuff to chose the top ten contestants that will go on to form a judging panel for Miss America finalists that will present Lopez with an award.

“We’re not sure what the award will be or look like, but it will exist,” said the Fox spokesperson, “No award is too good for this host who’s never too good for any show that comes his way.”

Area Man Refrains From Littering In Celebration Of Earth Day

AUSTIN, TX – Joe Plumb, in a move that completely contradicts his character, refrained from littering today and instead disposed of his waste in the proper receptacle. Plumb who has littered pretty regularly for the past thirty years dicided to tip his hat to mother earth on her special day.

“I thought to myself, Joe, it’s time to be real hero and throw that printer paper in the trash-can not out the window. I don’t really know why I did it. The idea just came to me,” said Plumb.

This move stunned co-workers who described Plumb as a “litterbug” and a “real asshole.”

“He sometimes comes over and kicks over my trash-can while I’m working, then laughs and walks off. I’d say something but he’s my boss you know,” said Anita Brouglan, a longtime employee with Plumb at The University of Texas office of Undergraduate Admission.

Plumb’s actions are having ramifications throughout his office as many are continuing to properly dispose of waste and recycling. When asked why he didn’t go the extra step and recycle the printer paper instead of throwing it in the trash, Plumb replied, “Hey, it’s not f-ing Christmas alright!”